You have to be saved from your troubles over and over again. I would get a girlfriend who looked like she might be able to rescue me, and then need to be saved from the girlfriend, who actually wasn’t so great. And even if it was me who pulled myself from the burning pyre, I had to give all the credit away to a savior in order to get my emotional needs fulfilled.
11:00 am. Had a great adult lesson. To the new textbook they said, “Great, let’s buy it” right away, which was a relief after yesterday’s class whined and whined about how it looked maybe kinda challenging (though they admitted it was worlds easier than the book their last teacher made them use). All my adult students have this “small print = difficult textbook” mindset. They want some kind of “How To Improve Your English Without Trying Very Hard” instruction book. Guys, I’ll just chat with you if that’s what you’re after, but don’t complain that you’re not getting better.
12:30 pm. Subway, ebi-avocado* (the only one I ever order). Darcy: “You have avocado on your lip and on your glasses. It’s cute.”
* “Ebi” is Japanese for shrimp. “Avocado” is Japanese for… avocado.
12:45 pm. Note for consideration: if I am getting into the habit of wearing makeup, I’d better learn to stop rubbing my eyes so much.
3:45 pm. Out in the cold freezing my ass off in the rain because the head teacher is late again. Also, unrelated: When my book is published, people are gonna wanna know what kinda fucked up childhood I had.
6:45 pm. The mother of my private student today independently volunteered to move my lesson up by a few minutes to better accommodate the bus schedule. She did this without any prompting or hint from me that the time was a little bit inconvenient. I saw that she’d taken a picture of the stop’s schedule on her phone - she has a car, so she would have no reason to go there unless she was concerned about it for my sake. She also offered to stop serving me cookies with my coffee (and seemed quite pleased when I said I would love some cookies). And I realized it was because I casually mentioned a month ago that I was trying to lose some weight. And she also remembered to give me the birthday card that I accidentally left at her house before winter break. I’m so touched by her thoughtfulness. I get a really warm family atmosphere from her home, too. When I am a parent, I want to be like her.
7:00 pm. Come to think of it, I have been at the top of my game as a teacher this week. Note to self: keep doing whatever it is you’re doing.
The next morning: Darcy is pestering me to say more about saviors and rescue. There’s no denying that people do need other people, and that sometimes people come through for you in ways you’d never expect. But as I’m writing my book, I’m thinking every day about how rescue is an unsatisfying end for my characters. My main-est character practically begins the novel with an idealized savior fantasy. Having that person then rescue him would be going, well, nowhere. And the more I think about something in my book, the more it starts showing up in my non-book thoughts. Getting caught up in a cycle of disaster-rescue-disaster is just another distraction that keeps us from really examining ourselves, from the more satisfying, meaningful, and exciting questions in life.